i’m not the best person, nor the most hardworking, nor am I a gorgeous girl whom can fall back on modelling if all else fails. I’ve not shown any signs of my intelligence increasing. As does my future-hopes-and-dreams chart.

And I have nothing to look forward to each day. I don’t have to wake up. I don’t have to do anything. Its sad when I think bout it. But its better than 2012-version-me. When i did not want to wake up and face the world. I hated the sun, I hated the shape of the earth. I just hated life itself. I had no friends so I couldn’t hate them. So I hated myself. SO much energy directed towards hatred.

But now I look forward to seeing your morning smile. I look forward to sneaking hugs before getting up. I’m enjoying every little moment i have. I wake up because I have to tell this person I love him, today, more than I did the night before. I have to feel his love and feed his soul with more.

It sounds just as pathetic to me. Waking up with the purpose of seeing someone that is an uncertainty in your future. Because it seems like if this person weren’t there, you’d be back at square one, having nothing to look forward to.

But its okay. because faith is based on uncertainties. and secondly, this is my baby step towards having bigger goals, and opening avenues to different things to wake up to in the future.

For now, I enjoy waking up to you.

You probably don’t understand or accept that you’re depressed until you’re out of that phase and you realize your whole life was wasted on feeling sad and lonely.

2011-2012.

I died for a year.

I thought sleep could comfort me, so I slept, hoping when i wake, my pain would be gone. It never went away. And the pain just escalated with no signs of stopping. And I am mad at myself today for allowing that to happen. It was never anyone’s fault for my own depression, as mush as I’d like to point my finger at you. I realize it’s my fault, like everything else. I fell for you. I chose to go through with it. I believed you.

But I don’t blame you. I doubt you even believed in yourself.

I’m happier now. I have friends. I go out and socialize, and I actually like living the life I’m living. And that’s also thanks to me. because I made that decision when you couldn’t. And I’m the one in charge of how I feel. And I’m empowered.

Holding on to you for that one year gave me feelings I never knew I had and could feel. But love acts as an intense emotion, and a destructive one as well. But I was in love, and I fell out of it, too.

So I guess lessons need to be learnt, as much as they suck and make you feel like shit to the point where you think you’re dead and lifeless. But it’s necessary. because i know now what i deserve. I deserve anything but you.